3-3: Self Massage for treating CPPS – NSFW, but not so flippin’ weird either

You may have heard the story of Alexander the Great and the Gordian Knot. An oracle decreed that any man who could untie the legendary Gordian Knot would become ruler of all of Asia. Nobody had succeeded for about 400 years.

Moments later, the internet died.

Mr. Superconfident Alex swaggered up to the knot, pulled out his sword, and slashed it apart. Boom! Emperor of Asia.

That’s how easy it is to get rid of the knots in your muscles! Get out your best knife, and hack away.

(Don’t actually do this).

I had no reason for relating that story except to make you laugh – and to remind you that there is a simple solution to nasty knots. You push on them until they go away. Well, that and don’t keep making them worse by overexerting yourself. And take your darn walks, too.

Why do I have knots? Couldn’t they have used ratchet straps?

Sustained clenching and lack of natural movement produces knots in muscle tissue. You already knew that, of course, because it feels great to have your tight shoulders rubbed. But the pressure is breathtaking when somebody pushes on a genuine knot.

CPPS is no different. You’ve got knots in and around your plumbing. And unless you frequent a physical therapist or have a very helpful significant other, it’s going to be up to you to massage them yourself.

This is awkward. You want me to rub myself where?

Yeah. Self-massage is awkward. Most men will have to overcome some initial squeamishness. I did.

disgusted jack sparrow GIF

Once you start, you may find you haven’t rubbed yourself this much since you were 14. But this is not a dirty act. It’s rehab. You feel positive results immediately. And it’s not forever.

I massaged a handful of knots for about three months before they were so much improved that I had trouble finding them. At that point, I gave it up, although I still use a PVC roller to massage my major muscle groups like hamstrings and calves. That process is called rolling, and I’ll cover it in Unit 4.

So yes, once you accept that you’re going to have to forcefully grope your own ass on a daily basis – but only for a little while – we can get to the specific techniques.

Gotta catch ‘em all – how to find your knots

When you start out, you’re going to have to find all of your own knots.

There’s a simple technique for this. Lie on your back with your legs apart. Put your hands near your butt, and start pressing your fingers, like a spider crawling along.

Use your fingers to “crawl” your butt, taint, hamstrings, and even your groin, belly, and quads.

When you suddenly shout “OH DAMN!”, you’ve found a knot. Or, if you’re not as obnoxious as me, it’s when you feel pain or pressure.

Knots can feel tiny – like a half inch oval of affected area – to fairly large, like a three inch diameter.

Areas where you’ll find your worst knots.

If you need to, write down the locations in your journal. You might have two or three…or you might have a dozen of them.

I had about six distinct knots. Two were in the tissue around my pooper, two were a little farther into my butt muscles, and two were where my glutes connect to my hamstrings.

Your knot locations will vary. The next step is kneading them out.

Four ways to perform deep tissue self-massage

I suggest four main ways to apply direct pressure to your knots:

1. Push on them with your fingers

This is the easiest – except when your knots are in places your fingers cannot reach. Sometimes they’re on the side of your gluteus minimus muscles, and you can push enough to locate them (or a PT found them), but not enough to get the right pressure.

2. Sit on a ball

A tennis ball, a golf ball, a lacrosse ball, or a mini-tennis ball can work, but heck, a pool ball or something can, too. You can also buy specialized sets for this purpose.

This takes some testing. Sometimes the knots can only be accessed by the right size ball, and with you sitting at a particular angle.

You’ll need a hard chair for this, like a dinner table chair or a folding chair.

3. Roll on a foam or PVC roller

Sitting on a foam or a PVC roller is another way to find and put pressure on knots.

If you place the roller sideways, you can hit a few areas that are otherwise hard to access, and that make it hard to keep a ball in place.

4. Internal massage

Yes, we’re talking about going up door number two.

If this really, really bothers you, you may not have to do it. Once I discovered how to get at my knots using the first three methods, I stopped attempting internal massage. But I did have help from a physical therapist.

There are three ways to perform internal massage:

  1. Get medical gloves and some lubricant. Lay on your side and try to get your fingers in there. Find the spot and press. (If you have short arms like a t-rex, it might not be worth even trying).
  2. Get your special someone to do this (right after a shower, preferably) or a physical therapist
  3. Use a Therawand or similar product.

I never purchased or tried the therawand. That said, I’ve seen good reviews (yes, it looks like one of those) of people getting good results online, and you might be happier to spend less and DIY than to ask somebody else to do it.

How hard should I push?

Start gently. Your goal is to move around some cells and get blood flowing through them. They’re already damaged.

The goal is to feel roughly the same amount of pressure across sessions. So that means the first time, you won’t push hard, but it will hurt. The second time, you’ll have to push a tiny bit harder to get the same amount of pressure. And so on.

Eventually you’ll push fairly hard and still not feel much discomfort. That’s the sign that you are healing!

Now that I’m in a compromising position, how long must I hold it?

For every kind of knot kneading, I found 45 seconds to a minute to be enough. But that can be painful. So here’s a hint:

USE YOUR DEEP BREATHING.

Breathe in until your belly expands all the way outward. Breath out and let your belly contract.

This relaxes your body, oxygenates the blood you’re making flow through the knot, and frankly helps you survive when the pain makes you wince.

How often should I do self massage?

You’re going to start with a minimum of once per day. If you’re serious and can make it work, do both morning and evening.

YOUR MISSION:

  1. Find a private time and place to go, with space to lay down. Your bed will work fine, although you’ll probably need a chair and/or some floor space, too.
  2. Find your knots using the hand-crawl technique and write down in your journal where they are.
  3. Experiment with the four massage techniques to find which ones provide the best (usually the most) pressure on each knot. Write that down too.
  4. Do self-massage 2x/day until the knots go away
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